I feel like the weather

This analogy, depending on the weather where one lives, could mean pleasant things associated with sunshine, and warmth, or if one lives where I do, it could mean, cold, desolate, and irritable.

The great yogis say, 'if you spot it, you got it', meaning that the flaws we notice in others, are really just reflections of our own weaknesses.

Perhaps... sometimes....but sometimes, they're not. Or are they?

I am noticing stupidity in others, I am by no means stupid. Am I? I guess it depends who you ask.

I am noticing greed in others, from time to time I may have inclines toward greed, but in no way to the extend that I've seen. Or perhaps it's just different, but the level not greater.

I am noticing extreme laziness and the opposite of integrity in others, and although of course I can be lazy, I am not a sloth, and I do keep my word. Most of the time...


Let's not forget insincerity and general chatter of words for the sake of writing/saying them, but no real depth, I'm drowning in others' pseudo-attempts at humanity. Do I sound like the automatic reply on an email? I sure hope not, because you do, and it's ridiculous.

Is it possible that I embody these deplorable traits? Am I worse than those who make me angry? I mean children use a similar adage for passing gas, 'who ever smelt it, dealt it', and it's not always accurate. After all I can be sure to have smelt many a disgusting odor but have not been the culprit of them.


Alas, the truth shall remain elusive. I've not been scorned for having any of the above traits, nor do I scorn those who I see embodying them. So perhaps we're all just living a lie, we're all just assholes, with shitty characters, too lazy to try to improve one another, too selfish to care.

In the very least, we know that some cliches do materialize, and if opposites attract, let's hope I'm lucky either way.

summertime sadness

But the things we really want to say they cannot be said

Because

They are absurd…kinda

What if I told you I’d make you fly?

I can, really.

You unhinged my wings, I let you, they had been coming unhinged for sometime…

But you opened them wholly, only to leave me adrift in the air, alone.

I won’t ask why, I think I know, but I’d rather pretend.

Pretending – a state of bliss, where body and mind are not in unison, mind takes over matter and makes things matter that shouldn’t…and that really don’t… or at least can’t.

And so I don’t wonder why, nor do I cry in shame…

These tears are a different form, a realization, an understanding, a longing for something that cannot be said…

I’m not usually at a loss for words, but you cut my tongue into a million pieces…

All good things come to an end they say, but what if it wasn’t said?

What if the fat lady has not sung, yet?

I see many morbidly obese people singing, and I’m not quite sure they’re the ones I should be listening for, where is this quintessential voluptuous lady?

They say, when you know you’ll know…

I always know, the problem is no one else seems to…

four better or worse

1- Always be impeccable with your word- Don't gossip, and if you have nothing nice to say, the rule applies: Say nothing. The reality is that it's tempting to gossip, and every so often, it's even necessary to save our friends from the dangers that lurk, in addition to explaining why something is the way it is. As a general rule though, when it's not directly connected to your well being, speaking poorly of others is actually a reflection of yourself. Those negative words are connected to feelings that will then be associated with you ... think positive, be positive, speak positively or remain silent. No we cannot fantasize about unicorns and rainbows and an ideal world, but being critical with the intention to foster growth is different than being negative for no reason at all.

2- Don't take it personally- Other peoples' actions may offend you, perturb you, and at times be insensitive and cruel. This is not because you're a bad person, nor does it render you unworthy of love. It has everything to do with the lack of class, chip on their shoulder, and the bad days they've been having and nothing to do with you. You need friends and more often than not, they're not there for you, yes it's painful, but it shows you that they're not able to give the love and support you need, not that you cannot receive it. Be mindful, perhaps you've been a subpar friend too and they're reciprocating, which is immature but happens nonetheless. Be reflective, sometimes you could be to blame too, or other times not at all. Regardless, do not internalize the behaviours of others, nor should you feel responsible. You can only control yourself, ultimately your actions are the only ones you can be accountable for.

3- Don't make assumptions-don't judge. Often we tend to use our own criteria to assess the actions, words, or ideas of others. This is a bad idea because they do not view the world through the same lens that you do, and cannot be held accountable for your high standards. They may have had a terrible upbringing, an abusive relationship or be simpletons. That's their problem, not yours but you must respect them and accept their choices just the same. They may not be 'ideal' in your milieu but in their life's ecosystem it might be the best they can do. If you have not walked in someone else's shoes, then don't assume you know what they're experiencing. Even if you have walked in similar shoes, the path you've walked may have been different thus rendering their journey as uniquely theirs.

4- Do the best at everything you do- Tasks large and small deserve your best effort. Irrespective of what reward an action has, the effort put into it should be honourable and honest. Anything worth doing is worth doing well as they say. Careful not to confuse your own personal best with perfection or competition. Perfection doesn't exist and the pursuit of it breeds unhappiness, but personal best does exist and can be achieved with perseverance and effort. Competitiveness may be a good motivator, but it can also cause hostility and anger and ultimately make the 'reward' less precious if other people were harmed in the process of achieving it.

pseudo smile

I think you can tell that it's fake, but we both know it's expected.
My smile isn't real today.

The overcompensation in my voice,
the quasi-excuses,
all a ploy...
so that I can be alone.

Why aren't we allowed to be alone once in a while?
Why can't we have a day where we're sad? Why must people "cheer" us up?
Is there cheer in sorrow?

Life, has both bitter and sweet days, moments, experiences...
each one momentous and worthy of the feelings it generates.

To ignore, to dwell, to obsess- are all dangerous actions
But how about just feeling a real emotion, is that dangerous too?

I believe that human beings are socialized to personify perfection.
A life without pain, a meritocracy, a utopia...
But outside of the this dream, once the dust settles,
lies a reality far different than the one we paint for ourselves.

Today I'm smiling with my mouth, a broad grin, but my eyes remain transfixed ...
they are indicative of my soul, and cannot feign anything.

But we both know, that even if you noticed, you'd pretend you didn't ....
because today is a happy day, right?

focus

what does one require to pay attention when attention must be paid? What do we do when its been scheduled into the proverbial timetable, datebook, agenda?

why is it that attention cannot keep to the clock? Why does it follow its own perverse rules, guidelines, appointments?

where has focus gone if it's not here?...perhaps it's staying at your place, napping, abandoned ship?...idk

when will it return, I cannot continue my work without it, what time exactly, precision was never its strong suit but I need to know the date, time and place.

who am I when I'm not me? Who is this person without attention, and isn't it dangerous, scary, irresponsible to be unfocused, to live that way? Who are you?

how will I ever get it back, even though I secretly hope I don't, I can't, I won't ...


Shh!

A watched pot never boils

Or does it?
My blood boils, sometimes, at least I feel that it could, might...will

I'll have to wait and see I guess.

Why is it that the moment we utter the words "_______" those words which reveal everything we had been preserving, concealing, keeping to and for ourselves in fear that if we open our mouths it might get away.....does get crushed, destroyed and ruined when the sounds form words, and the words have meaning.

A secret, once revealed is no longer mysterious. Once you lose mystery, what's left?
Reality of course,
But reality, I'm afraid, is not always thrilling nor even decent, heck, at times it's down right deplorable.

So should we keep it all inside, so it can stay alive, or do we have to breathe it out to test its survival skills?
What to make of this disjuncture, between inhalation, and exhalation, fact and fiction
Reality and imagination
Here and there...

Where is 'here'?
If so then ...
I'm currently where?
Here!?
There?!

Where will we meet?
The choice it seems was never mine, never thine, always...ours

If we share it, does it mean it's left to 'fate'?
Because I can't control you, nor you me...
Is fate like a gatekeeper of dreams, a grouchy naysayer or a gentle promoter? An open-minded optimist or a pase pessimist?

I think fate is a tortured soul, both independent and needy. A paradox of sorts, a puzzling puzzle...A question mark ?

And still even when fate is driving, I am lost, I feel I should ask for directions. Life, this journey, is utterly bewildering and wonderful and terrible and lovely... and every day I change my mind.
I guess I just don't get it, nor do I want to, yet.

Every pot has its lid, so when it boils, I'll know... I'll hear rattling and shaking of the lid, unless of course it's the wrong size, which means we'll have to start the recipe from scratch, again.

Cooking up a recipe for a sweet life...it ain't easy.

what if I play..

Your trivial game,
And win...?

Which is precisely what will happen if choose to participate.

I wonder what's worse:

a) playing a silly game and winning..plausibly a prize not worth having, or at best a minimally coveted one

OR

b) not participating in this pathetic-olympiad and losing based on forfeit, lack of attendance in other words

Is it better to win in idiocy or lose in abandonment?

If you win, are you really a champion, and if you are, then a champion of what?

Your trophy would read: best < twit >... hmm doesn't sound appealing.

In my estimation it's a lose, lose situation.
But what if those are your only two options?

Is there a lesser of the two 'evils' so to speak?

Is life just that, a journey through bad and worse,
Finding the least prickly path will get you to... yet another obstacle.
Is it a maze of thorns, the proverbial rate race, a dunce cap-a-thon?!
What is it?? Does anyone know?!

I certainly don't ...
But what I do know is that I'm averse to these games.
Just be careful not to make me angry, because when I am, I lack foresight, and become competitive.
When that happens, and don't say I didn't warn you, I will win.
And then sadly, the joke will still be on me,
Because I will have won ...rubbish.

I'm minimalistic, I'd rather be empty than full of ballocks.

predict

 Intuition

The voice inside

Call if what you like, 

A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet…

And an eminent feeling doesn’t need to be labeled to have meaning.

The Buddha says to observe life as it is, not as you want it to be

And although I hate when people say, ‘it is what it is….’

It's true, and I knew it all along.

But like any honest dreamer, I ignored it, because frankly, it’s crap!

If I cannot imagine it to be better than it is, 

Then isn’t trying at something you see as futile somewhat..

 Masochistic?

What if you know the results will always be mediocre?

Or perhaps that’s just a facet of my perfectionist-personality…

Maybe mediocre is it.

Either way it’s not very promising.

Perhaps I’m being pessimistic, but I don’t look at life through a half empty or half full glass, I drink directly from the bottle. Now what? 

The Lorax says, “You can’t reap what you don’t sow” and he, though fictional, is right.

I will continue to attempt to sow reality, even though it’s slow and often boring,

 And I hope that one day I can reap…not only in my dreams.

Even if I never reap, the sowing process will have made me wiser…

And as we all know,

Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom…

now you're just somebody that I used to know

Everyday I discover something new.
It may have always been there mind you, I just hadn't noticed.
Aloof and altruistic... I often don't see what I should. 

I put it on my pedestal and admire it from a safe distance.

It's not perfect by any means, but it's new, real and it's mine, for now anyway.
Like a curator, I frame it, I label it, I explain to others what I think it means.....

I think though, that sometimes, without intending them to be so...my thoughts.... might just be... misleading, misguided, misunderstood, mishandled, and maybe even missed the mark.

No one likes to be mislabeled, even if they don't know they have been.

This new possession, with its dynamic dimensions and vast depths cannot be curated,
Because every time I look it changes.
And I no longer know what I knew, so I can't keep doing what I do.

For every season there might be a reason,
But for every new meaningful encounter might there also be a raison d'être?


Or is it all just meaningless?


When I drive away I always look in the rearview and I see you as somebody that I used to know
Because I know at our next encounter I'll find something new and I just hope that I like it 


I don't want to drive away too fast....you become smaller in the distance you know
and no one likes to be small

no man is an island

but today I want to be

So I can cry without having to explain
So I can swim around, not worrying about who I splash
So I can eat when I want, what I want, how I want
So I don't have to pick up the slack others leave behind
So I can relax, be me, be free, just simply be
I can get on my boat, and sail away, no need for goodbyes ....

Ride the wave away from  defunct loyalties and obsolete promises

My sails cannot serve their purpose with anymore slack than has already been given.

No one wants their vessel to sink.

So they enter a loch where quality standards and water levels are not set or measured, but felt.

Where the energy and love you give are rewards in themselves.

But I ask you, who can remain afloat without a decent crew?

Although Captains should be last to leave a sinking ship, others...  have no such obligation.

And even if all you need is love and a lifeboat, both have been known to have holes

That is why for now, I will travel in my yellow submarine, because there's too much wind to sail, the crew is schlepping rather than striding and frankly I'd rather not be exposed to the wind today.

On this day I am an island and I lost my map...if I ever even had one.

Surf? Turf? I've lost my appetite too, but maybe I'm destined to be, Eleanor Rigby...

Where do we all belong?

< Insert name here! >

Ever feel like your life is a recipe?

<insert ingredients here>

A dash of salt, 3 eggs, 2 lbs of butter.

Before you beat the eggs, make sure to grease the pan.

<insert order of operations here>

Bake for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.

<Insert method and time requirements here>

Apparently if the recipe is followed to perfection, then the result will be that which is desired by the baker and those eating the concoction.

Y U M!?--

Oops,

I almost forgot, not everyone uses cook-books.

Are those people who are guided by instinct any less talented? Are their creations any less savory?

Who is to judge; when taste is so nuanced, so relative, so contextual. 

Chefs consider themselves artists.

To become great, they need to be unique.

Once they’ve obtained a certain level of success, they write cook-books.

Others flock to purchase these books and attempt the recipes.

<insert Steve Jobs’ biography here>

But it never quite tastes the same.

When you live your life as a pseudo-chef, a recipe follower, a chaser of <insert life milestone here> can it ever taste as good?

Some of us would argue that it’s impossible. That creativity is the foremost ingredient.

While others do it every day, and pretend it is more than possible, desirable even.

They are successful at judging the palates of others, and convincing them that their taste buds are de rigueur.

But I can’t pretend to like the taste of egg, anymore than I can force emotion.

Never been one to follow directions, instructions, recipes…..

but then again, I rarely cook

Maybe I need to cook more? Truth is I’m a little frightened of the oven…it’s hot… permanent… I’ve been burnt you know. Still have the scar, seems to be fading, but it’s not quite gone.

Perhaps if I cooked more, I’d understand that ad-hoc cooking is never a guarantee. Then maybe I too would be scared into following<insert fear here> recipes.

For now, as an inexperienced chef, I will scoff at those who follow recipes, at those who dare not add an extra dash of salt. Maybe they are prudent not to waste ingredients, perhaps their cholesterol is high, or they can’t afford to dine at a restaurant in the event that the recipe goes awry….but that’s their problem, not mine.

<insert ridiculous regimented lifestyle here> so that I can traipse over it with my authenticity…..maybe even have a picnic on it.

But I certainly won’t beat the eggs <insert metaphor for your life> until they reach the desired consistency.

Because I have never quite understood what ‘desired’ means.

Runny? Stiff? Fluffy?

Only you know the requirements of your own recipe….and secretly you know that following Martha Stewart’s simply won’t do.

In the meantime see how many chocolate chips are required to fill the chip on your shoulder, because you really can’t be a good chef with that type of physical hindrance.

Your attempts at reading recipes are futile.

The number isn’t written anywhere.

It’s something you’ll figure out for yourself. Likely you won’t get an appointment with a physiotherapist till after you’ve already taken out a mortgage to purchase a restaurant….and by then it will be too late. The restaurant will own you and your recipes, both actual and perceived.

Don’t worry, you can still wear the tall chef hat, for some people it’s enough. Appearances aren’t always what they seem, but for some, they’re sufficient.

Sadly, for you they are foremost.

So enjoy your beautiful casserole, but don’t forget that after you’ve eaten it <insert gastro-intestinal illness here> you’ll need to eat something of substance….and be located within close proximity of a toilet.

<insert middle finger here> but it might be too late. You may not make it that far.

In life <shit> happens.

Enjoy the journey or suffer the consequences. 

exposed

A naked specimen. Observed, analyzed, understood?

Can anyone really classify or theorize another?

Is knowing acceptance? Is knowing judgement? How do you understand what you know?

Why even go there, deep inside, what do you hope to find?

A pile of bricks.

Stacked

Immovable?

You saw the wall, and decided not to climb, trespass or buzz in. Yet you linger.

Most people never look past the wall. What is it that you’re staring at, what interests you? Are you also looking at other properties, do you consider this one of great value?

Why does it matter to me? I’m not your real estate agent, I shouldn’t concern myself with these trivial details. Still, I do.

I’ve built a giant fortress over the years; grand with gates locked… no one is invited inside. Especially not you!

A million brown tear stained bricks glimmer in my eyes as both a promise and a barrier to conquests. The Columbus type, you can see the prize, but you know there are numerous guards standing in your way. You know you’re capable of defeating them, but even after you do, I’ll still be inside, the wall still triumphant, protecting me, and you’re not sure if you will stand the course, all you have is a shield.  

But clearly you’ve peaked through the window, stolen a glance, more than what’s considered polite, you’ve intruded in many ways. I didn’t stop you. However I should be the one who opens and closes the shutters, I control the view. Don’t I? Maybe I can’t control what you see after all. I thought I could. I wish I could.

I’m like the cat who was killed by curiosity, I need to know what it is that you are trying to find, until I understand your motives, I will continue to leave some windows open. Possibly even fall out of one….

Cats have nine lives. I’ve lost count of mine… I don’t think I ever even had one.

Perhaps knowing is simply just that…nothing more, nothing less a process in obtaining a life. It is in itself like Pandora’s box, it can release all the world’s evils, but it will always leave you with hope.

We all know hope is the last thing to die, and if you have not lived then you can’t die.

Or perhaps you can  die, expire, fail… along with your hope.

HOPEfully the answer will be revealed when the wall crumbles.

If ever…

China, Berlin, ….me?

up up and away

Just like a balloon –

Round

Symmetrical

Beautiful …….one minute

popped.

deflated the next.

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but …what a difference a day makes.

At least to me

even an hour, 5 minutes…. just a few words can change the world,  my world

Carefully built castles can be destroyed in an instant…when they’re made of sand.

Why do I always build my castles in sand?

An architect of sorts, a creative contractor always commissioned for the wrong projects …. When will I get it right?

I put in a bid for this one,  a l m o s t  too much, luckily I carry my helmet with me- it saved me from losing my assets ….. this time.

Maybe I’ll wear my helmet everyday-to protect me you know … perhaps gloves too.

It’s okay if I can’t see or feel anything. I don’t want to.

And so today I tender my resignation, again.

A white flag, a towel, what should I give you?

Funny thing is, it’s not really a competition.

Yet I still lost.

continuum of dichotomy?

dreams are elation

mundane is desolation

Where is equilibrium?

Is it in your dreams, because your hopes become aligned with your soul and you flow naturally through life as if you were a nymph?

Or is it in the mundane, the sensible, logical, practical, methodical programme that you follow in fear of loneliness.

Why do I see them as dichotomous? Can’t they exist in a continuum?

I’m always stuck in that shade of grey.

The one no one can see but me.

With their 2-D glasses, all that’s apparent is black and white.

Nuances, gradations, tones, degrees, shades….

I guess I’m going to need mine.

“All of the lights” can be a bit much on the retina.

3-D of course

It’s the third side of the coin that’s always mattered to me anyway

the more i understand, the less i 'know'

I think therefore I am.

I think too much, then what, am I too much?

What if my thoughts are too profound, my words too advanced, and my ideas so radical that the world must change to keep up with my pace?

The world will change, if I can be the change.

Can I be it? Can it be me?

hmmmmmm

I can do the cancan. This I know for sure, it can be measured after all.

It’s what’s expected of me, heck, often I enjoy it.

But when I don’t feel like dancing, what should I do?

What if the things I do conflict with expectations, norms, institutions, discourse, established paradigms… the r  i g h t way.

Is there a wrong way? Says who? In what context? With what conceptual framework? Which methodology did they use? Qualitative, quantitative, mixed methods? Is it ethical?

Oh, I almost forgot about the ethics committee.

Let he(she) who is without ethics cast the first stone….never mind, in fact… keep them, I don’t want any, they just weigh me down.

I have enough thoughts to keep me grounded, I don’t need your stones too.

up, down, round...and round

In a city that doesn't sleep, the dichotomous pinnacle of extreme wealth and severe poverty, you are supposed to run on the proverbial hamster wheel to make it 'to the top'.

BUT- How can you reach the top if you're going in circles?

If not the top then where?
Hmmm.... Nirvana- Zen- Hollywood- Graceland- Disney- Death... where do we get the gold medal?

Perhaps it's at the bottom? Since the hamster is always at the bottom.... that’s just a law of gravity and life too. Right? But do we always obey laws?
The laws of grammar, driving, fashion... what happens if you break one?
I broke them all today- here I stand, triumphant, in my mismatched, illiterate, stop-sign ignoring glory.
I guess that means I don't qualify for a prize. It should go to someone more deserving, who subscribes to a standard and rational zeitgeist.

I'm more like Dali's 'Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomogranate a Second Before Awakening', you can speculate the symbolism, but never really know the truth. Perhaps it's meaningful, or maybe he was just crazy. You'll find the answer at the end of the carrousel, if you ever decide to get off.

Is Paradise...

Is paradise doing exactly what you want without repercussions?
Having it all?
Or maybe the opposite; having nothing at all?

Following your passions, irrespective of distances, and barriers, for as long as possible...maybe forever, and maybe not, but at least knowing that when it's done, it ends.
Not needing to look back and wonder, 'what if?' Rather smiling because you were a privileged participant.

Alas the rain does fall, and the sky does cry, and we have come to see that our current reality isn't like the utopia we dream of. Instead it's composed of both pleasure and pain, gain and loss, up and down, round and round, 'ouf' -
I'm suddnelty dizzy.
What's that in the distance?


Spotted: a protest!!
Against this trite system, a protest that is anti-rules, and goes contrary to established tranditions which although can be wonderful, pale in comparison to fighting for your beliefs and feelings which is even more beautiful and powerful, dare I say: brave!

I've read a myriad of prose and have ascertained that timid people rarely make history, no one reads about them, they are not great. Rather, 'fortune favours the brave' but does it also favour the passionate? Those who act primarily on their heart's desires rather than the brain's logic...what does fotune and the future hold for them?
Time will tell, let's hope it ends in 'happily ever after' . Or at least just happily.

Still

Virtues aren't like instant coffee, you have to be patient, let them percolate.

You can't force a horse to drink, just like you can't capture a bird who's not ready to be in a cage.

And now I'm tired, tired of a fake world.

Of cookie cutter i-robots. Without blood in their veins, flowing mega bites instead.

I looked deep inside you and found true beauty, and you looked just past me.

What were you looking at?

Perhaps your watch, because time waits for no one.

I've clearly missed my cue.

And as a result the curtain call has ended. I want to stay in the theater for ever

But they keep telling me I'm too old to play dress up.

"they" say...

time heals all wounds.

Perhaps superficial scars too?

But what about the ones that are deep? Do they stay? Never go away?

Try as you may to conceal, they rear themselves.

     Plastic surgery for a synthetic replacement?
                          or
                 scarred for life?

Looks like not all 'bogo'* deals are a good bargain.


*bogo-buy one get one free

no
i will not fake a smile
no
i don't want to come
no
i'm not okay

yes, every fibre of my body, every ounce of my blood aches
yes, i opened my shell only to have the pearl stepped on
yes, i have feelings, real ones, and no- i'm not afraid of them...anymore

yes-i want to run away, go on my boat, float into the sunset, but i am stuck, no- can't go far, the sails are missing, gone, torn, stolen, tattered, beaten, dead.

no-it's not fair, nothing is, and likely won't be, yes- i hate that, yes- i wish it weren't so, but it is, and i can cry a river, but my boat still won't sail,  not far enough

no- i won't use an ore, i don't want a motor, and i refuse to call for help, yes- i like being stuck here, with no sails, no-movement, just afloat, in shallow tears, for as long as it takes

yes- my boat could sink, and yes- what a shame, but no- i don't care, i can't, it's too late

yes- the path is the right one, the captain is steering correctly, but no- the weather conditions are wrong; rain, wind, snow, ice, the boat can't compete against evil forces of nature

alas i've lost count of the yes' because that's just how it goes.
instead i'm stuck in the dead end waters of no, no, no, surprisingly though i know i don't belong, i like it, because like a painful bruise, it feels good to apply pressure where it hurts, to make sure i'm alive. i am alive arn't i? yes? no?

maybe